Sex is a good thing, except when it happens to other people... then it's a striking reminder of your own inability to snag some tail. The worst sex of all is roommate sex; which causes you to be doubly damned as you are not only reminded of your own lack of game but you are also deprived of sleeping in your own bed. Indeed, roommate sex is a curse, inflicting painful psychological wounds. Come, enter into my nightmare...

It's a typical Friday night and hordes of freshman are making the mass exodus to the house party nearest campus; me and my roommate among them. As the night progresses and my drunken state expands to record levels of stupidity I attempt time and time again to gain the affections of a hottie. It seems to be backfiring, however, and the only creatures that give me any interest at all are fat-bottomed girls and ugs. My roommate is doing fine however and is dancing with the hottest chick in the room. I don't know what she likes about him more; his stupid jokes or lame personality. I'll never understand how this guy gets girls but somehow he always does. At the end of the night I look for my roomie but he is nowhere to be found. I make the disgraceful walk back to our dorm room alone, miserable, and drunk; wanting only to melt away into the comfort of my own bed. As I approach our door I see a candle burning in the window, our secret symbol indicating hot action going on inside. It's the third time this week. I curse my roommate under my breath and swear to the heavens that I shall have my revenge on some fateful day. But instead of doing anything brave and principled I take my usual spot on the prison issue couch of the dorm lounge. There's one kid in there studying and I can hear him chuckling under his breath. He may be a nerd who studies on Friday but at least he's not sexiled from his own room. As the room spins around me and I await the first round of nauseous vomiting I swear I can hear my roommate's devil laugh, his head thrown back in mockery; deep, resounding, and evil...in my head until the lights of my brain succumb to the drunken agony of my pathetic existence.

I head upstairs in the morning and find my roommate and his girl wearing robes, sipping Colombian coffee, and nibbling on crumpets. They are freshly showered and perky, as one would expect after a night of vigorous exercise. A 12 pack of 'Trojan Magnum Condoms is half empty on the nightstand. Last night it was full. As I enter the room their conversation stops. I feel their loathing eyes pierce my soul as if I have committed the most depraved crime of our time. For a moment I actually feel bad for coming into my own room; as if I should ask permission. What the hell kind of world is this where a guy can't even come into his own room without feeling like a total asshole.

I grab my stuff and head for the shower. My head is still throbbing and I actually take a moment to ask myself if I'm still drunk. No, not drunk anymore; just driving on three cylinders, shooting 80%. This is going to be a long day. As I close the door behind me I hear my roommate ask his girl if she's down for another go round and she naturally says yes. The women I meet are hardly ready for second base but my stupid ugly roommate gets the kind of chick who bones 8 times a night, then 3 more in the morning. For what crimes am I being punished? What sins merit this type of unbridled torment? My mind draws a blank however and I realize that there is no crime, no suffering I've caused that would explain my shitty karma; just a crazy world where justice is a myth and fairness is nothing more than a urban legend.

At the end of my shower, as I turn the water off, the final stage of my psychological cycle hits me and I begin to accept my situation. I am the victim of the curse of roommate sex. Colleges across the country are full of victims just like me; game-less amateurs destined to suffer at the hands of our pheromone inducing roommates. I'm an optimist, however, and I believe in the potential of man, and in my potential. Someday I too may snag some roommate sex. Friday nights are plentiful in college and each one brings with it a plethora of opportunities and chances for hook-up splendor. With time and persistence I shall overcome the voodoo magic of this evil curse and someday, if the hook up gods allow it, see the candle from the other side of the window. Doom on you roomie!