The perfect party is an ever-elusive event; occurring almost as infrequently as the aligning of the planets or the passing of the Millennium. Unbalanced girl/guy ratio, keg congestion, and cops are but a few of the hurdles one must overcome to achieve the title of a "phat" party. It's amazing that college students will spend hours studying the unimportant topics of physics, economics, and law but fail to spend more than a few moments preparing for one of mans greatest social achievements; the house party. Fortunately for you, we here at QC, have commissioned a study from the most degenerate party-goers of our time, and their report, in it's entirety is presented before you today!

Plan for three parties!
Yep that's right. Every party is actually 3 parties in disguise; with each element requiring special planning and unique consideration. The three unique parts of the party are as follows.

The Pre-Party: This is the small circle of friends who gather to get faded before the rest of the party arrives. It is wise to save your best beer for the pre-party since you'll be too drunk at the other parties to care. Girls will usually pull out a blender and make mixed drinks and pose for snapshots in their hootchie outfits and guys will play dominos or watch Sports Center. Pre-parties usually begin in the early evening and go until 10:00 PM.

The Party: This part is the so-called "real" party; after the pre-party but before the post-party. The party usually begins after 10 and last until 2. This is the longest part of the party but is ultimately the least important. Think of it as the pre-party for the post party.

The Post-Party: This is the actual "real" party; the time after the cops have come and everybody has gone home except for friends and recently acquired hook-up prospects. During the post-party the "secret" keg is revealed and the party continues on a smaller more personal scale. Ninety five percent of hooking up occurs in the post-party. The post party begins at 2 or 3 in the morning and continues until the last man falls down in his own putrid vomit. Sometimes a trip to Taco Bell signals the start of the post-party.

The Alcohol
Alcohol is the quintessential party favor and ALL great parties are runneth over with it in some form or another. Whether it's brewed from potatoes, wheat, sugarcane, or cactus alcohol is the least common denominator for party success. After all, what other substance makes us invulnerable to criticism, enhances the appearance of women and men alike, and provides us with the unthinkable courage to brazenly flaunt our own greatness. Divide your alcohol into the following categories and make sure you have twice enough as you expect to use. Having too much booze is a thousand times better than not having enough.

Beer: Plenty of beer is key. Plan on 1 keg per 20 people. Kegs need not be filled with expensive beer because no-one will actually care for more than half an hour. The key to kegs is location and availability of re-enforcement kegs. Poor supply chain management will cause your party to suck and people will leave.

Shots: Shots are the fast, easy way to get faded and every good party has tons of them. Plus, shots are social and people like to do them together; thus even the wallflowers in the corner are enticed to join the festivities. Body shots, requiring salt and lime, are a great ice-breaker when trying to schmooze up to a hottie.

Mixed Drinks: Were there only guys at your party mixed drinks would have never been invented. Alas, women throw and attend parties and must be made to feel included as well. Rum and cokes, screwdrivers, and the ever-popular Red Bull Vodka are good ones to have. These are also handy to chase the shots you just took.

Novelties: Jello shots and watermelon soaked vodka are always a hit. For some reason men and women alike will eat and drink these until they pass out cold.

The Music
Music is the pulse of your party and without it people are forced to speak and communicate. Remember, no one actually likes speaking to strangers and music will cover up the awkward silence that follows almost everything you say. Should you ever find yourself with nothing to say you can just shut your eyes and move your head. Whoever you are talking too will assume you're too faded to function and quickly walk away. Music can also enhance your drunkenness, especially if it's 80's music. Also, when there's music there's always dancing. Usually a group of chicks will start dancing by themselves to get the dance floor going. No guy actually likes dancing but since that's what girls do guys are forced to follow suit. Since you can dance with people without ever speaking to them dancing will greatly increase the hook up ratio of your party and cause people to remember it with fonder memories.

Demographics
Ultimately, the success of your party is going to be determined by the people who come to it. An equal amount of girls and guys is the ideal, yet unattainable goal. No matter how many girls you invite and no matter how many guys you dis-invite, you will always end up with more guys at your party than girls. This is one of the greatest mysteries of college life. Furthermore, goofy looking kids who don't drink are not allowed in since they occupy valuable airspace that could be preserved for a alcohol-consuming guest. Fun, crazy girls are the focal points of all college parties and you should make it your goal to have as many of them as you can. Guys love them and chicks study them. Your fun, crazy chicks should be hot, but most of the time their scandalous behavior will please regardless of how hot they are.

The Po-Po
All good parties result in at least one police visit. It is one of the things you just have to sack up and deal with. Theres no way around it. The best way to avoid this of course is to tell, or better yet invite, your neighbors to your party. Inviting the older neighbors shows your friends that you're cultured and well rounded, and it allows these post-college guests to get nostalgic about their own drunken days of yesteryear. Should the police roll through be aware of your rights and don't be afraid to stand your ground. Send out your smoothest talking friend and deputize him with all powers of negotiation. Any ticket is immediately divided between the members of the house, regardless of whose friend caused it in the first place. In some ways the cops coming is a blessing in disguise as it ends the "random people" occupation of your pad as well as signals the start of the post party, which is actually the "real" party.

Despite your popularity or level of "coolness" any college student can throw the perfect party. You see, parties don't change. Only people and trends change. The same principles that made you grandparents post-war shin-digs raving success's can turn your "pimps and ho's" or "heaven and hell" into the party of the year. By following these time-tested traditions and fundamentals you will. hook up more, have more fun, and truly enjoy those 7 years we so lovingly refer to as college.